Majority's Manifesto

Hi, my name's Fnoonf and I'm a recreational drug user.

You may have heard of people like me, but odds are you haven't. In our world of knee-jerk polemics there's no room for the vast majority that makes up the middle, we who occupy the spectrum between the cracks of the establishment's gleefully black-and-white definitions of "law-abiding citizen" and "drug fiend." Yes, there is in fact such a spectrum, and it is entirely possible to occupy one of the non-extreme parts of it; to, verily, use drugs in moderation – without doing irreparable damage to your life, your body and the people around you.

Take the first time I smoked pot. Now, I may have lost my job and quit my girlfriend (she did not appreciate the sitar, so she had to go) and taken up stuff like weaving and pacifism, but who's to say that made me any worse a person than I am today? There may be the slight matter of short-term memory loss, but I contend that in the grander scheme of things, the Wizards were far better with Jordan than they ever were with Carter. Wait, Carter was never with the Wizards? What the… whoa, nice lamp.

And take speed, right? It's great, right? I mean, I'm able to concentrate on things I never would have been able to concentrate on, talk bullshit all night long to complete strangers and it gets me real edgy sometimes but that doesn't matter because fuck this tune rules man bosh bosh bosh bosh fuck I just chewed through my cheek anyone have a band-aid fuck me that's one fine lady yeah let's just nip back into the john over here bosh bosh bosh bosh bosh.

Now, cocaine, man, don't even get me started there. I mean, I'll allow for a small possibility that you might disagree with me here, but the chances of you actually being right to my being right are so miniscule that I'm sure it would just break your spirit to even contemplate going there, so I know you’re not going to. Besides which, we both know that, even on the infinitesimal off-chance that I were actually wrong, I'd just bend the truth around your truth until you have no idea what's up and what's down. And I'll do it all with a smirk on my face, the kind that tells you no matter what the outcome, I've already won.

Ecstasy, man, this is what it's all about. Finally I get it, finally. This is what's been holding me back, all this negative energy, man, all these petty insecurities. Finally I'm free to just be who I want to be. I don't have to hold myself back anymore. Christ, how come I never noticed how freaking awesome this music is? Boy, it sure does feel awesome to just move around, feel my body drift through space. I'll never have to come down from this, man, because I know what it's about now and I'll never forget. At least not 'till tomorrow.

And mushrooms. Heh. Heh hah. Haheha. HAHEHAHEHAHEHAHEHAHEHAHEHA. YOUR FACE IS ON THE RIGHT WAY AROUND! AND I DON'T EVEN EXIST! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Whoa. Dude, whoa. I just realized that, like, everything in our sensory experience is, like, just a bunch of symbols that we put our interpretation to, based on our previous experience and the synaptic firings inside our skull, and, like, the only absolute truth is that there are no absolute truths, man. Also, YOUR FACE IS STILL ON THE RIGHT WAY AROUND AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

These may sound like scary examples of altogether nutty behavior, but that's kinda the point. Let your hair down. Fucking stop holding on so tight. It won’t be like this forever, you know.

I still have a great job and a rewarding life in an awesome city, packed to the brim with wonderful people. I’ve done all the drugs listed above, all of them more than once, some of them in combination. And I’m still here.

I’m not saying any of these things necessarily changed my life for the better, though in a way, they really have. I’ve had a bunch of interesting experiences and made my acquaintance with viewpoints – and people - that I otherwise would not have come into contact with.

It’s possible to do this without killing yourself, is what I’m saying. All you have to do is exercise a little bit of common sense. There are good things and bad things about each of these drugs, and you take the bad with the good, just as with any other thing. And you tread carefully.

So don’t swallow what they tell you hook, line and sinker. Remember, kiddies: caution is a noble necessity, but blind obedience to a faceless patriarch is a bigger corrupting force than any combination of chemicals.

Thus endeth today’s lesson. Now go get fucked up.